Love From Your Strengths
Questions like “What am I doing with my life?” continue to crush me like a college freshmen crushes Natty Lite on game day. I’m at a point in my life where I have significantly more questions than answers, and learning to embrace that remains a struggle for me. Many weeks ago, I began a journey on this blog in hopes of breaking down life’s toughest questions into a series of more manageable, answerable inquisitions. Today, I continue that dialogue.
“Do I love from my strengths or from my insecurities?”
Katie and I remained close for several years after 6th grade, and still connect from time to time on social media 12 years later! (Hope you enjoy these photos, KT)
Puberty started in 6th grade for me, and it hit me harder than Donald Trump hits a tanning bed. Ever since the first hair sprouted under my armpit and the peach fuzz grew thicker beneath my nose, I’ve been a hard lover. The first girl I fell for? Katie Algers… and man did that girl have a way of wrapping me around her every word. Years (read “days”) went by and my infatuation with “KT” dwindled as middle-school crushes tend to do, but another Katie always quickly followed. Through the inconveniently timed pimples, clumsy cuts made while shaving, and awkward voice cracks rose a 5’7 14 year old with a full beard and chest hair thicker than vines in the Amazon rain forest. In those blundering teen years, I started to understand what loving someone feels like. I’m not just talking about the romantic, hold-eachother’s-hand, ask-her-to-prom-in-front-of-her-whole-school (Hey Liddy) kind of love. I’m also talking about what a strong bond with a friend feels like, what supporting and being supported feels like, and what inexplicable vulnerability feels like. Those massively equal parts teach us how to be compassionate humans capable of loving others.
Chinese Takeout and Bad Jokes
I have to admit, I take after my dad in more ways than just my looks. Every year, my dad hosts a colloquium where the wine flows steadily, Chinese food covers all available counter space, and friends from all different times in my dad’s life come together to talk about the year’s most thought-provoking movie. This tradition started many years ago, and it seems like a new participant of the evening comes into the fold every year. My dad is a master connector. He’s at his best when he’s making cheesy jokes in a room filled with people who all know him, but not each other. By the evening’s end, the script almost always reverses itself — the once unfamiliar faces now laugh alongside each other as they thank their host for an evening full of new connections and wine glasses that seem to have no bottom. My dad finds joy in bringing people together. Inclusivity is one of his strengths… as it is one of mine. I love finding common ground between people who otherwise might have little in common. For me, loving from my strengths means remaining committed to bringing people closer together.
Read Receipts
I hate being left on read receipts by people I care about. To me, it means the recipient read what I had to say, but didn’t feel like I was worth responding to. What that frustration really stems from though is a fear of not being wanted or belonging. I consistently struggle with this aspect of my relationships. I frequently feel undervalued, and I start doing and saying things that I know I shouldn’t just to feel like I have power in the relationship. It’s bad, and it’s certainly a red flag for an unhealthy relationship on my end.
The Importance of the Question
No one loves entirely from their strengths and no one loves solely from their insecurities. As is the case with most things in life, the importance of this question comes more from the process of answering it than the answer itself. There will be times in your life that you unquestionably act upon your insecurities in a negative way.
More often than not, taking an honest look at the way you treat people reveals a great deal about how you view and treat yourself. When you love from your strengths, you empower people. You boost them up and give them life. You pass on to them the confidence, support, and nourishment they need to be the best version of themselves. In return, you receive that same energy. The exact opposite holds true when you love from your insecurities. Others’ success frustrates you. You drain people of their energy. You demand “What can you do for me?” rather than ask “What can I do for you?” Loving from your insecurities results in additional stress, anxiety, and a dependency on others for your own happiness. Other’s should boost your happiness, they should never be responsible for it, and that goes both ways. Aim to boost people up, not support them entirely.