2019 New Year’s Resolutions: Looking Back to Look Forward
HERE WE ARE AGAIN...
The heartburn from your New Year’s Eve festivities still radiates with every sip of water you take in vain attempts to rehydrate at your desk and make new year’s resolutions. Most of us were lucky to get a couple days off work to return home or visit old friends. As newly minted young professionals, we got to unwind for a few days. This year was a little different though. Finding gifts for all of your friends and relatives has your bank account running on empty, that winter coat you got your junior year of high-school feels like it’s due for retirement, and you’re still recovering from last month’s office holiday party embarrassment. It’s your first year out of school, and to be honest you felt pretty anxious about seeing everyone. Hopefully, the distinct discomfort of your friend’s Ikea couch brought you right back into the holiday spirit and reminded you we are all in the same boat no matter where we settled down. So take in the smell of that Christmas tree for a while longer, have another cup of that spiked apple cider, and go in for seconds on that food coma-inducing dessert.
This year, the holiday season felt a little different, didn’t it? Friends asked, “How’s your job going?”, “Do you like living on the west coast?”, and “Have you made a bunch of new friends?” rather than “How’s your break? Do anything fun?” It was a holiday season that wrapped up one of the most transformative years of our lives. It was a holiday season that brought us back together, albeit just for a few days, to catch up, exchange ridiculous gifts, and make enough memories to last us until we connect once again. It was a time to appreciate everything we have in our lives, and even a time to appreciate the things we no longer have in our lives (shoutout to those of you who lost your dignity on a dance floor at some point in 2018 like I did. Maybe make finding it part of your new year’s resolutions for 2019).
It's also a time to look back on the past year.
LOOKING BACK: PERSONAL REFLECTIONS ON 2018
As someone who probably spends a bit too much time looking forward or backwards rather than staying present, I’m going to give myself a hall pass on this one. The relationships I developed over the past 365 days are definitively both the highlights and lowest points of my year. They made saying goodbye to Austin remarkably difficult, they kept me going when times were tough in San Francisco, and at many times they were the root of intense anxiety and depression. So many indescribably special people both came and went from the forefront of my life in 2018. It seems logical to ask how and why.
RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS
It would be hard to identify a time in my life that I felt more proud of the people I surround myself with, but I constantly wonder if my friends feel the same way when thinking about me. Here’s what I know – I aim to be a genuine friend. I strive to put others’ accommodations ahead of my own. I try to distance myself from those who don’t treat me well, and find deeper connection to those who do. Did I always succeed in these aspirations in 2018? Absolutely not.
Looking back on the shortcomings of many of my relationships isn’t easy. Identifying our interpersonal failures is a difficult pill to swallow. We want to believe we’re always in the right — that our actions, words, and decisions are all valid. Taking a hard, honest look at these shortcomings goes beyond identifying times we were in the wrong. In the words of my good friend DJ Hanzel, we have to go one deeper to the root those arguments stem from. For me, the root of my relationship failures in 2018 stemmed from jealousy, possessiveness, and laziness. I let my insecurities contribute to jealousy and possessiveness as I feared I wasn’t fun enough, cool enough, or entertaining enough for those around me. I let laziness cause passive hostility in friendships rather than take a more proactive approach to handling issues.
RELATIONSHIPS WITH MYSELF
I had one of the hardest years of my life in 2018 dealing with both my physical and mental health. 2018 began with a diagnosis of a fatty liver — a hereditary condition that causes your liver to work overtime and often results in increased fatigue and confusion. While I could dive deeper into my struggles and failures from a physical standpoint, I’d instead like to focus on my mental health in this post.
TO PUT IT BLUNTLY…
I spent the first half of 2018 in a terrible place. I failed constantly to combat negative thoughts. I felt helpless, alone, and worthless. People like me, who face depression and anxiety regularly, seldom share the unfiltered thoughts they have on a daily basis. I’m going to because it gives more depth and perspective to the behemoth of facing depression. On many days, I’d wake up in the morning, look in the mirror at my reflection, and the only thought that came to my mind was, “You’re a fat, worthless piece of shit. You’re failing yourself and those around you. Get your shit together.” It’s important to note that I understood the difference between feeling these emotions and thoughts versus living them. I was not helpless. I was not alone, and most people who spent time with me would not describe me as a worthless individual. None of those people knew about my struggles because I became good at hiding them, and that’s such a crazy thing to me. People having the darkest thoughts internally are often times the same people bringing the most life to others around them.
DARKEST HOURS
For me, those negative thoughts reached their darkest hours upon moving to San Francisco and starting my first job at Pereira O’Dell. My thoughts on a daily basis centered around a failure to fit in — “You fucked up.” “You shouldn’t be here.” “You don’t fit in.” “You’re not meant for this workplace culture.” I spent a lot more time alone in my first few months in San Francisco than I ever have prior. That was a blessing and a curse. I didn’t have distractions from my thoughts, but that forced me to confront them.
On July 7th, I took the first of many steps towards improving my mental health. I acknowledged that it’s normal to have negative thoughts. This acknowledgement came after pushing myself to reach the top of a ridiculously steep cliff. The journey fucking sucked, but the view? Incredible. As I sat to catch my breath on the top of the cliff, I forced myself to answer the “Whys?”
Why am I having these dark thoughts?
Because I’m insecure.
What makes me insecure?
My self image.
What about my self image bothers me?
I’m out of shape
So, if you were in good shape, would you be happier?
Honestly, I have no idea, but it’s a good place to start because it releases endorphins.
…and so it began. I set goals for myself and made my decision-making process somewhat binary — “Will doing this bring me further or closer to reaching my goals?” If the answer was further away, I did my best to avoid making that decision. Moment after moment. Hour after hour. Day after day. Every time I had a bad thought, I’d remind myself that I was working on improving the root of it. That gave me optimism. Before long, I had identified 2-3 things that were really at the root of my mental health issues, and put action items in place to conquer them.
2019 NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS: WHAT’S TO COME
6 months later and I have never been in a better place with my mental health. I am a genuinely happier and better person going into 2019 because of the professional help, introspective look into my emotions, and incredible friendships I received in 2018.
With that said, I want 2019 to be a year of exponential growth for me. I’ve identified 2 new years resolutions:
RENEWED DISCIPLINE
One of the biggest reasons I fell short in many aspects of my life in 2018 was due to a lack of discipline. In 2019, I want to become more regimented and consistent in my daily routine and decisions.
COMMITMENT TO CURIOSITY
The people around me immensely enrich my life. I want 2019 to be a year of continued learning — real learning, not the kind you’re forced to do in a classroom. I want to challenge myself to become knowledgable on more, interesting things.
For personal reasons, I won’t get into sharing how I’m deciding to track my goals, but know I have measurable and attainable daily, weekly, and monthly goals for tracking my progress. You should to.
Finally, know this post is by no means exhaustive. I didn’t even begin to touch on my family life, professional life, and much more. I chose to focus on the things that I felt mattered most to me. If you’re interested in doing your own look back at 2018 or look forward to 2019, I’ve outlined some thought provoking questions below to get you started. Enjoy!
QUESTIONS FOR LOOKING BACK ON 2018
In what areas of my life have I progressed this year?
Am I someone that I’d want to have as a roommate or friend?
How am I different now than I was on January 1st?
In what areas of my life have I stalled?
What did I accomplish this year? What am I most proud of?
What were some of the most meaningful moments in my life this year? Why?
What was my biggest failure this year? Did I take anything away from it?
Are there people/things in my life right now that are keeping me from being more successful in the coming year? If so, why am I keeping them involved in my life?
What was my biggest waste of time this year from a productivity standpoint?
Why didn't I reach the goals I set for myself at the beginning of the year?
QUESTIONS TO HELP WITH NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS IN 2019
Which relationships do I want to improve in the coming year?
Where do I want to be at the end of the coming year from a mental, emotional, and physical standpoint?
How will I hold myself accountable in the coming year?
Do I want to make changes to my daily routine in the coming year? If so, what would I like to change?
What are my goals from a professional standpoint for the upcoming year? How do I plan on reaching them?
Is there anything in particular that I want to emphasize in the coming year that I haven't in the past?
Who are some of the people I want to strive to be like this year?
What do I want to be celebrating at the end of the upcoming year?